1. What is your initial essay score? Using the language of the rubric, why did your peer (name the individual) score your essay in this way? Do you agree or disagree? Why? (1 chunky paragraph).
The score my initial essay received (from Sunny Chen) was a 7/8. This was because, while it did address complexities to some extent and offer "a reasonable analysis" of Lawrence's employment of literary devices, it was not quite as "persuasive" as a nine essay. Though the essay was higher than a 6 but not quite as developed nor complex as a nine, it received a middle score of a 7/8. In addition, the essay included some unnecessary summary or excessive "quote-bombing" and lacked depth in analysis or original interpretation, falling short of a nine essay. Grammatically it was nearly error free but could have "demonstrated more effective control of language" in general, placing it in the 8 range. For the most part, I agree with this scoring. In my opinion, certain aspects of the essay or single paragraphs were deserving of an eight and others of a seven; there were also individual lines that may have shown the complexities achieved by 9 essays but most definitely also lines representative of a much lower scored essay. I agree that the essay could have been more effective in contributing a clear and solidified point and perceptive analysis even though it had successfully addressed all parts of the prompt and included a variety of literary devices used by Lawrence. I also agree with the idea that this essay lacked consistent in-depth interpretation of embedded quotes. Though many quotes were used and generally with purpose, they could have been better explained or accompanied by more analysis. Overall, with its components in each score range, I believe that a 7/8 is fair for this essay.
2. After researching D.H. Lawrence, discussing his concept of "blood knowledge", reading through the "Prose Passage" chapter in 5 Steps to a 5, participating in class discussion, and norming the essays from 1-9, discuss what you would do to improve this essay. (3 chunky paragraphs)
First and foremost, to improve this essay, I would spend more time on the thorough explication of quotes rather than only including them for the sake of including a reference. Certain quotes found in The Rainbow are very powerful and the analysis provided by this essay simply fails to do them justice. For example, further interpretation of "his soul was master of the other man's" (64-65) could have strengthened the final paragraph surrounding the woman's fascination with knowledge and the power it provides. Additionally, this could have delved deeper into the meaning of "soul" versus the physical state of being that is so emphasized by the Brangwen men's lifestyle. Had these two paragraphs been flipped, this single quote could also have provided for a smooth transition between the two that also connected the ideas within each individual paragraph. The transitions themselves would also require some additional work. Though I am mostly satisfied with the paragraphs themselves (aside from the issue regarding the explication of quotes), the essay as a whole does not flow as well as it could. Transitions are blocky and somewhat awkward-sounding as they semi-introduce new ideas but fade out before any real connection is drawn. Furthermore, as with the previously referenced quote, I would pay more attention to the significance of Lawrence's idea of "blood knowledge" as it relates to the earthy lifestyle of the woman's family, specifically the Brangwen men. Blood is a reoccurring theme throughout the passage and is undeniably significant. However, my current essay scarce addresses the topic of "blood" nor the primal lifestyle and mentality it represents.
2. After researching D.H. Lawrence, discussing his concept of "blood knowledge", reading through the "Prose Passage" chapter in 5 Steps to a 5, participating in class discussion, and norming the essays from 1-9, discuss what you would do to improve this essay. (3 chunky paragraphs)
First and foremost, to improve this essay, I would spend more time on the thorough explication of quotes rather than only including them for the sake of including a reference. Certain quotes found in The Rainbow are very powerful and the analysis provided by this essay simply fails to do them justice. For example, further interpretation of "his soul was master of the other man's" (64-65) could have strengthened the final paragraph surrounding the woman's fascination with knowledge and the power it provides. Additionally, this could have delved deeper into the meaning of "soul" versus the physical state of being that is so emphasized by the Brangwen men's lifestyle. Had these two paragraphs been flipped, this single quote could also have provided for a smooth transition between the two that also connected the ideas within each individual paragraph. The transitions themselves would also require some additional work. Though I am mostly satisfied with the paragraphs themselves (aside from the issue regarding the explication of quotes), the essay as a whole does not flow as well as it could. Transitions are blocky and somewhat awkward-sounding as they semi-introduce new ideas but fade out before any real connection is drawn. Furthermore, as with the previously referenced quote, I would pay more attention to the significance of Lawrence's idea of "blood knowledge" as it relates to the earthy lifestyle of the woman's family, specifically the Brangwen men. Blood is a reoccurring theme throughout the passage and is undeniably significant. However, my current essay scarce addresses the topic of "blood" nor the primal lifestyle and mentality it represents.
Secondly, I would further develop the thesis and the complexities within it. This would include elaborating on what the woman is characterized as and/or what her situation is as opposed to simply listing the literary devices that made such characterization or description possible. The listing is somewhat loose and fails to establish the specific effects of individual devices. Though it answers the prompt, the thesis is overly concise and lacks in persuasiveness. The thesis is the core of the essay and should establish the main points of the argument. Essays given a 9 ranking all included a solid thesis that was convincing and original, often going above and beyond the requirements directed by the prompt. They were creative and incorporated elevated diction throughout which only served to intensify the points it established. However, the current thesis fails to provide a foundation for either of the three points it introduces. Without a solid foundation, these ideas are ungrounded. Thus, as the reader progresses through the essay, the thesis may be easily forgotten and only recalled when a certain point readdresses it. Furthermore, the diction and syntax of the thesis is not very captivating not particularly persuasive. Though it offers an argument, it is not declarative. This lacking conviction contributes to a weak thesis that drifts rather than roots itself in the reader's mind.
Finally, I would further enhance the introductory and closing paragraphs of this essay. The current introduction is lackluster at best and non-existent at worst. Rather, the paragraph consists only of the thesis statement, which in and of itself is not exactly shocking. The introduction should, ideally, be intriguing and draw the reader's attention to the rest of the essay while guiding the main ideas and arguments presented throughout. However, it should not be over-embellished but be instead organized and give a sense of definite structure to the remainder of the essay. In order to achieve this, the introduction would require a depth of thought and perception that is not currently displayed. Furthermore, the ideas it presents should be both original and captivating, so as to provoke thought and encourage the reader to read actively rather than skim the body paragraphs of the essay. A similar concept can be applied to the conclusion paragraph. While the introduction is the essay's first impression, the conclusion is the lasting thoughts that should follow a reader throughout the day. Whether it be fully satisfying or leave some degree of fascinating ambiguity, the conclusion should readdress complexities and end with a noteworthy finale. While the current conclusion does offer some level of insight, it is not memorable nor does it connect well with the preceding paragraphs. Instead of gradually leading into a smooth transition, the essay jumps rather abruptly from body paragraph and argument number three to a crude restatement of the thesis. This leaves the reader with not only little time to think but also little to think about, as the obvious has been stated and restated without any remarkable impression.
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